If you go through life without getting hurt by something, you are probably not healthy. Numbness in your body is quickly diagnosed as being a bad thing. The ability to feel, whether pleasure or pain, is good because it helps you interact with the world. I used to LOVE playing outside when I was a kid. Running, climbing, jumping and rolling everywhere with my friends was one of my favourite things to do! I'm getting excited now just remembering! Haha. I have plenty of minor scars on my body and a fake tooth to show for it all. As children we pick up bumps and bruises, cuts and scrapes from everywhere. It's amazing. I can't wait to be a parent to sit down with my kids at the end of the day to hear their stories about where today's latest battle wounds came from!
Just before and definitely after we hit puberty, we enter into a new, more intense battlefield. The deep realm of emotions. We feel like the mines of rejection await our every step as we duck and dodge bullets seemingly aimed at our hearts. We fearfully move forward all the while wondering if we're going to feel a knife in our backs. When we're little, a bump or a bruise is pretty much the end of the world...for a few minutes. After that, everything is ok and we just get over it, move on and let it heal. Our emotional wounds however are internal and the pain can last us a lifetime. If we let it. I reckon (not a scientific observation) there's 3 ways that we typically respond to pain in our lives: 1 - Bearing with Pain, 2 - Indulging in Pain and 3 - Numbing Pain. I'll talk a bit about my thoughts on them but please hear my heart, I'm not trying to speak indifferently as I've probably been involved in all of them at some point.
Idulging in Pain
Indulge definition: Become involved in (an activity, typically one that is undesirable or disapproved of): "indulge in gossip".
This is where we experience a hurt and we do something to either prolong it or intensify the pain we experience. For example we might go through a painful breakup where a relationship ends against our will. What do we do? We listen to music about people being in love or love being rejected or unrecognised. We watch films about romance and happily-ever-afters with 3 people's share of ice cream and then just feel terrible afterwards. Maybe we punch something really hard to make our knuckles hurt or get into fights we probably won't win. At the end of the day we're indulging in pain which I don't think is healthy and in fact is massively dangerous for our physical and mental health.
Emotional pain puts a strain on us mentally and sometimes even physically and so the longer we hold onto it the worse it can be for us. It can lead to various mental disorders and bodily illness. People who indulge in pain for a long time can begin to see it as their friend or even their saviour which can manifest in the form self-harming (which I'll probably mention later). This can open the door to various forms of further uncontrolled indulgence e.g. over-eating, masturbation, binge drinking etc. There's a notable link between indulging in pain and bearing with pain.
Just before and definitely after we hit puberty, we enter into a new, more intense battlefield. The deep realm of emotions. We feel like the mines of rejection await our every step as we duck and dodge bullets seemingly aimed at our hearts. We fearfully move forward all the while wondering if we're going to feel a knife in our backs. When we're little, a bump or a bruise is pretty much the end of the world...for a few minutes. After that, everything is ok and we just get over it, move on and let it heal. Our emotional wounds however are internal and the pain can last us a lifetime. If we let it. I reckon (not a scientific observation) there's 3 ways that we typically respond to pain in our lives: 1 - Bearing with Pain, 2 - Indulging in Pain and 3 - Numbing Pain. I'll talk a bit about my thoughts on them but please hear my heart, I'm not trying to speak indifferently as I've probably been involved in all of them at some point.
Idulging in Pain
Indulge definition: Become involved in (an activity, typically one that is undesirable or disapproved of): "indulge in gossip".
This is where we experience a hurt and we do something to either prolong it or intensify the pain we experience. For example we might go through a painful breakup where a relationship ends against our will. What do we do? We listen to music about people being in love or love being rejected or unrecognised. We watch films about romance and happily-ever-afters with 3 people's share of ice cream and then just feel terrible afterwards. Maybe we punch something really hard to make our knuckles hurt or get into fights we probably won't win. At the end of the day we're indulging in pain which I don't think is healthy and in fact is massively dangerous for our physical and mental health.
Emotional pain puts a strain on us mentally and sometimes even physically and so the longer we hold onto it the worse it can be for us. It can lead to various mental disorders and bodily illness. People who indulge in pain for a long time can begin to see it as their friend or even their saviour which can manifest in the form self-harming (which I'll probably mention later). This can open the door to various forms of further uncontrolled indulgence e.g. over-eating, masturbation, binge drinking etc. There's a notable link between indulging in pain and bearing with pain.
Bearing with Pain
Pain is a part of life but I don't think that means it's supposed to be a life-partner. One of the issues with indulging in pain is that it can become so familiar we forget who we were and what we were like before the hurt took place. This means we then want to hold onto the pain as some form of security. If we get taken in by that trick we can become people who Bear With Pain. You probably know a pain-bearer in your life and you might have been/be one yourself. It could be that person you see is calling you and you let it go straight to voicemail because you just don't feel like you've got it in you to listen to their story again about a hurt that happened so long ago! It might be that person who somehow manages to bring round every conversation to that time they got hurt. It might be that famous singer whose songs make you cry because they're all about the pain they felt and still feel. However it shows up, pain-bearers are among us and they are those who hold onto their pain for dear life!
I think a lot of us think that bearing with pain is the same as dealing with it or even getting over it. If I step in dog poo and just carry on walking no-one would congratulate me on dealing with it! It would still be very much on my shoe and would go with me wherever I went along with its fragrance! Picky people might say if you walked long enough eventually it would be gone because it would wear away. You'd be forgetting that I would have been in my house and friends' houses, my car, my school or work place etc. It would find it's way into all of my life, staining things and remaining as a constant reminder of that one time I stepped in dog poo! Ewww! That is not how to deal with dog poo! (This metaphor could go on for a while so I'll stop it there. Feel free to send me an extended version if you think of one!)
Unresolved pain is not your friend, it's gangrene. People who indulge in pain tend to be bearing with pain and going through cycles of it. If they somehow manage to actually get over a hurt, they often panic and look for a way to cause themselves pain, consciously or subconsciously! Classic case is the good girl who always goes for the bad guys. Once she was innocent but some guy probably broke her heart and she developed a relationship with her heartache. She then goes from bad guy to bad guy to keep that pain sustained so that she can feel safe and if she ends up with a good guy she sabotages the relationship. It sounds insane to say it like that doesn't it! This can easily lead to numbing.
Numbing Pain
Numbing pain seems like a rational, logical thing to do. Most of us don't like physical pain. Most. We dodge it and lessen it wherever we can. If someone threatens us on pain of violence we'll probably do what they want. We don't go in for surgery and say "No anaesthetic for me thanks! Slice and dice doc!" If you've ever had major surgery you are probably in love with anaesthetic! Today we're even able to medicate natural bodily occurrences of pain and I'm sure a lot of us are grateful for that too.
Sadly we often try to take the same approach towards our emotional pain. This is when the pain is so unbearable or has been so prolonged that we find ways to remove it from ourselves or to remove ourselves from it. We do this with a variety of different tools. Most of which are actually really bad for us in the long run and distort our relationships with other people. Some of us have enough will power to just decide to stop an emotion's access to us. Sometimes we numb the pain by first indulging in it until it so overwhelms us, it becomes part of us and so we can't feel it any more. Maybe we put up a rough, tough exterior to prevent people getting close enough to us to hurt us emotionally until eventually that rough exterior becomes our new identity because it's so familiar (this often looks like the bully, the driven business person, the hard-working athlete or even the mean parent). Commonly we replace it with other stuff, sex, drugs, music, work, money, video games or some other hobby. This is incredibly dangerous because numbing pain does not mean that it is absent or that it has been dealt with. If you've done this yourself you might have experienced moments when your pain subsititute is removed and the pain comes back with a vengeance! You then grope madly for the nearest painkiller. We can make ourselves cold and indifferent but the trouble is, it seems like it's near-impossible for us to reverse that on our own.
So what do we do? Indulging in pain and befriending it is a terrible idea... Ignoring it is too... Now what? Pain has to be dealt with and it has to be acknowleged. We have to say "yes it hurt and yes it was wrong." We accept that a wound was indeed inflicted so that we can really assess the damage. inspecting the wound further can show us why it hurt in the first place and maybe reveal something about ourselves that we didn't know. You learn a lot about yourself when you find out what hurts you. It's no coincidence that we often get hurt the same way over and over. I often find that if I get hurt by someone emotionally and I actually check myself I find an area of particular sensitivity. Once I know this is there I can better protect it (or get it healed) maybe by letting close friends know that that is not a strong area for me. We can often (especially Christians) acknowledge we were hurt and then pretend to be over it because that's what we're "supposed to do". Rubbish! Denying pain leads to numbing. Bad times. From this point we can begin the healing process which starts with forgiveness.
So what do we do? Indulging in pain and befriending it is a terrible idea... Ignoring it is too... Now what? Pain has to be dealt with and it has to be acknowleged. We have to say "yes it hurt and yes it was wrong." We accept that a wound was indeed inflicted so that we can really assess the damage. inspecting the wound further can show us why it hurt in the first place and maybe reveal something about ourselves that we didn't know. You learn a lot about yourself when you find out what hurts you. It's no coincidence that we often get hurt the same way over and over. I often find that if I get hurt by someone emotionally and I actually check myself I find an area of particular sensitivity. Once I know this is there I can better protect it (or get it healed) maybe by letting close friends know that that is not a strong area for me. We can often (especially Christians) acknowledge we were hurt and then pretend to be over it because that's what we're "supposed to do". Rubbish! Denying pain leads to numbing. Bad times. From this point we can begin the healing process which starts with forgiveness.
The Good News!!
I think that understanding that you were NOT CREATED TO LIVE IN PERPETUAL PAIN is massively freeing and key to moving forward. The issue is a lot of us identify so closely with our pain that it becomes a part of our identity and our self-perception. If we see suffering as part of our identity then in the battle for freedom we'll fight half-heartedly because we afraid of who we'll be if we win! Check out what the bible says about Jesus, he was "...despised and rejected--a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care." (Isaiah 53:3) What does that mean? It means Jesus knows pain and understands it. He knows your pain and understands it. He understands the temptation to press your face into your pain and never come out! But he didn't do it, he had something else in mind.
I think that understanding that you were NOT CREATED TO LIVE IN PERPETUAL PAIN is massively freeing and key to moving forward. The issue is a lot of us identify so closely with our pain that it becomes a part of our identity and our self-perception. If we see suffering as part of our identity then in the battle for freedom we'll fight half-heartedly because we afraid of who we'll be if we win! Check out what the bible says about Jesus, he was "...despised and rejected--a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care." (Isaiah 53:3) What does that mean? It means Jesus knows pain and understands it. He knows your pain and understands it. He understands the temptation to press your face into your pain and never come out! But he didn't do it, he had something else in mind.
Elsewhere it says that "He personally carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. By his wounds you are healed." (1Peter 2:24) If you don't know this already, Jesus took a serious beating before he died. He was stripped and whipped and beaten. We even created a word to express the unbearable pain of crucifixion - excruciating. While on the cross he was actually offered wine mixed with gall which helps to numb pain but he refused it! He faced the pain of our sin head on! It's all wrapped up in this phrase: "By his wounds you are healed." Jesus went to the cross and bore all of that pain so that we could be freed from the rule of pain which comes from sin. But how?
The bible is beautiful so I'll give you some more...Jesus wacked out this sweet line at one point: "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." If you're into pain-indulging, pain-bearing or a pain-numbing, you're carrying something that Jesus doesn't want you to have to carry. He's taken that responsibility on himself. It's a little strange when you're carrying something heavy and a stranger comes over to offer to carry it for you! We reject them (especially if we're British) and choose to struggle or we treat them with suspicion. If we're smart, we should just let them carry it.
How do we let Jesus carry our pain away? A good way to start is by talking to him about it. Tell him about your stupidly heavy burden! Tell him how bad the pain is! Tell him how much you want to get rid of it! Another outrageous Jesus phrase is "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed." Ever felt like your pain has left you emotionally bankrupt? Ever felt like your hurt is inescapable prison? Ever felt like you've been blinded by past experiences and are unable to see the future in a positive light? Then Jesus is saying "Hey, I came here for you! Let's end this and start a new life. You see if you give your heart to Jesus he gives you his. The same heart that enabled him to die for those who hated him. The same heart that enabled him to love those who rejected him. The same heart that prayed for the forgiveness of those who were crucifying him. It's filled with love and in love there is the power of forgiveness.
How do we let Jesus carry our pain away? A good way to start is by talking to him about it. Tell him about your stupidly heavy burden! Tell him how bad the pain is! Tell him how much you want to get rid of it! Another outrageous Jesus phrase is "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed." Ever felt like your pain has left you emotionally bankrupt? Ever felt like your hurt is inescapable prison? Ever felt like you've been blinded by past experiences and are unable to see the future in a positive light? Then Jesus is saying "Hey, I came here for you! Let's end this and start a new life. You see if you give your heart to Jesus he gives you his. The same heart that enabled him to die for those who hated him. The same heart that enabled him to love those who rejected him. The same heart that prayed for the forgiveness of those who were crucifying him. It's filled with love and in love there is the power of forgiveness.
I'll end with this. Forgiveness is the enemy of emotional pain. Emotional pain latches onto us through unforgiveness in our hearts and unforgiveness becomes the leash around necks. A very wise man called John Eldredge once said this: "Forgiveness is setting a prisoner free and then discovering the prisoner was you." Jesus holds the power of forgiveness and he wants to give it to you so that pain is no longer your master. Not so that you won't encounter pain but so that you won't be ruled by it. Let Jesus take your pain away and show you who you were born to be. Do you want to be free?
If you want, you can pray something like this:
Jesus I'm coming to you with all my pain. ____ hurt me and it's still affecting me. I give you my heart and ask for yours in return so that I can be released from my pain and have the power to forgive others. I want you to show me who I was created to be and I want to see myself as you see me.
If you want, you can pray something like this:
Jesus I'm coming to you with all my pain. ____ hurt me and it's still affecting me. I give you my heart and ask for yours in return so that I can be released from my pain and have the power to forgive others. I want you to show me who I was created to be and I want to see myself as you see me.
Thanks for reading, I really hope this impacted you and has helped you recognise negative patterns in your life. It's time for you to be free! If you want to talk more about giving your life to Jesus please contact me. I wrote some thoughts on forgiveness last year so please look into them as I found them helpful.
No comments:
Post a Comment